in the shadow of things...

Thursday 3rd December 2009

a shadow, something indeed so intangible. we remember when we were younger chasing our shadows around the garden and using our hands to create the shadows of animals on our bedroom walls. in those times of such innocence we are shielded from the shadows we later learn about. the shadows in the corners of our minds where our deepest fears lurk like predators, haunting our dreams and holding us back from what we know we can do, the shadows that fall across our hearts, for every love that is loved and lost and takes with them a part of our very being and the shadows that often encircle our souls, squeezing out the very life force that sustains us and brings us to our very lowest point. these are the shadows that cast the darkest force and these are the shadows that remind us to search in every part of darkness for the light, to embrace the glorious rays that dance across the earth each day and that we fail to truly bask in for lack of time, lack of energy, lack of love, lack of money. that light is the very brightness that shines from within us. because life really is a dance filled with steps that bring us dangerously into shadow and yet in the next pivot, back into the luminous light. it is remembering that light always follows dark, that one step always follows another and that this glorious dance happens only once so shake your hair down and let loose...shadows, light, come one, come all...we are ready with toes pointed and palms out-stretched...let the music begin...

absolut explosive...

Saturday 10th October 2009

ok so when you're out late and you feel yourself fading and like you need a bit of extra juice to help you go the extra mile and last the night...you know that this stuff is gonna do the trick and give you that injection of power you need. not yet available on the general market but available at all good roadsides in Bali...

the red sign translates as 'your love is not as pure as my petrol'! absolut explosive...not for the weak-hearted! get yourself some NOW!

the bearers of baggage...

Saturday 3rd October 2009

ok, so a couple of weeks ago i had a rather strange encounter with someone who thought they could read the very details of your life from a glance at your palms. and who am i to say they couldn't? but he said some things that bothered me for days after. i mean, one thing (of the many spoutations and declarations) he told me was that i am carrying baggage! baggage? BAGGAGE! i mean come on...please someone find me a single soul on this planet who is NOT carrying baggage. i think you would be hard pushed to find such a person because from the minute we are born, no, conceived in the womb, we are already carrying baggage. we are carrying the baggage of all those who have gone before us, our parents, grand-parents, great-grand-parents and so on down the bloodline back to the very beginnings of who we are. whether we realise it or not we are carrying that baggage. we are all constantly making up for the sins of our forefathers in some way or other. it sounds absolutely suffocating when you look at it like that...but let's face it, it's the truth. no one is born free from who they are and where they have come from. no matter how hard we try to run away from it. at some point it will always catch up with us...so when you meet a stranger and he proceeds to tell you (as he tries to read your palm) that you're carrying 'baggage'...think about it...

the road not taken...

at times the way foreward may diverge and while one may lie in shadow and appear to be held together by mere fragments of thread and the other lie in the light and be easy underfoot. we have to choose. and which one will we take? for me, the more precarious route will be the one to reveal in ourselves who we are, for we persevered where others might have given up and gone back, we faced our fears by passing through the darkest shadows and we trusted in the universe to hold our path together where others might have not believed.

as robert frost so eloquently writes in his poem The Road Not Taken...

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

catching your breath...

Wednesday 6th May 2009

doesn't it always seem like everyone is always rushing on to the next frantic moment life has to offer...so often you find people wishing their life away...counting down to the next birthday, anniversary, holiday trip, whatever...why have we forgotten how to enjoy the moments for what they are? the here and now...this very second. when we pause, and breathe and look around, we appreciate where we are and what we have so much more...

if there is anything i have learnt this week it's that life is too short. life is unexpected, providing us with moments of such happiness and yet also moments of such sadness. we are constantly reminded of the fraility of this life we are given, when we hear of others losing that gift so unexpectedly. we need to feel thankful every single morning we wake up for everything that we have. i don't want to rush thorugh life, barely blinking an eye, always looking to the next project...i want to be in the here and now, to relish every moment and remember how lucky i am to have fallen down the rabbit-hole into this beautiful place called Bali, where life almost seems to stand still and every day is a blessing. i want to have my eyes open and see everything around me, absorb it, appreciate it for everything that it is. i don't want to miss a thing...

why does it always rain on me...?

Wednesday 4th February 2009

and just when i thought we were well and truly OUT of the rainy season, it comes back with such a vengence that i can hardly believe it. the past few days have been absolute misery...it reminds me of a post way back when i was still in dublin...these grey skies...it just doesn't seem right to be in bali and to see grey skies. and of course, needless to say, it sure ain't a lot of fun being on a motorbike when a torrential downpour strikes...you can't put down the visor because it's tinted and makes everything too dark and when i ride with it up...well my glasses get all spotted with rain...yikes! i like rain when i'm snuggly under my blankie. anyway, the batik above is one of my absolute favourite designs. it is called mega mendung, which means huge rainclouds and comes originally from cirebon in java. when i see it, i remember that rainclouds can be beautiful and no matter what, after every storm, there are clear skies. so here's to the rainclouds...pour down for the rest of the week, but please, please, clear up by saturday morning, so i can have a day at the beach...please?

sunlight falling on bamboo...

Tuesday 11th November 2008

i do love you, bamboo...i really do...the past few months have been a bit rocky between you and me...there have been ups and downs with you...you gave way when i needed you to be strong, you leaked when i needed you for shelter, you cracked when i needed you to remain tough under pressure...i have often felt like saying that i never want to see you again...EVER. but never is such a strong word and despite everything...there might be room for you again in my life, some day. so i vow to think good things about you...to remember how tall and upright you are, how you can bend so flexibly and change your shape and mostly how the sunlight looks as it dances across your smooth exterior. you did not choose the destiny that befell you...you too were pulled from the earth and transplanted here, forever to be a part of a vision you knew nothing about. and so, bamboo, stand tall, feel connected to the earth, remain true...for in the face of all else, these are the things that you can control and know and find solace in when all else fails...i leave you with that thought...i leave you...

desiderata...

Thursday 6th November 2008

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant;

they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment.

it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann©1927 (renewed)

Bell & Son Publishing,

Reprinted with permission.

as i take a step, i think of the words of this poem...and they remind me of so much...so much to be grateful for, thankful for and humble about...and i take a deep breath and take another step...one step at a time...that's it for now...

the veins that bind...

Wednesday 5th November 2008

it's been way too long since i posted and it's been mainly due to the fact that things are just crazy at the moment and life is manifesting itself to me in strange ways but i am beginning to understand that it is its' own way of telling me that things are not necessarily in balance right now and i need to stop and think and breathe before i make the next step. the saving grace through all this madness has been the amazing small network of people who have supported me through this and to me, they are just like all those veins branching off that main stem...for without them, i think i wouldn't have been able to stand. the worst part of it all is that the person who has probably been there for me the most, is about to depart these shores. and i know that when you live the life of an expat, people come and go in and out of your life all the time and you should expect that, but sometimes, just sometimes, i wish we could hold on to some of those people a little longer. i'm not asking for everyone, ok...just the select few. but alas, that's not meant to be for now...so on sunday i will bid a very bittersweet fare-well to Lisa, Victor and Loy and while wishing them a beautiful journey ahead, will hope that our paths will cross again soon somewhere on this wild, turning planet of ours...for we are bound forever by the green-ness that brought us here, the uphills and the downhills these past months and the blood, sweat and tears and hopes and fears of a little bamboo village we once inhabited. so we shall travel our own paths for now, but always, always remember the veins that bind...

variety is the seaweed of life!

Tuesday 7th October 2008

i was back again at pantai geger over the idulfitri holidays and managed to get up close and personal with some of the seaweed that is farmed there. it was pretty mesmerising - i mean blankets of seaweed just lying in the sun and each blanket an interesting array of greens, purples and yellows. and the smell, the air was thick with it. which i absolutely don't mind because for me the strong smell of seaweed makes me feel like i am back where i belong...by the sea.

so i have been thinking a lot recently about variety and specifically about choices. life is full of choices...sometimes too many so that we don't know which one to choose, which one will be right for us and then again sometimes we feel like we have no choice and we are stuck with no way out. ultimately though the seaweed is always greener on the other side of the beach because when we are faced with too many choices we often wish there was just one clear one with a great big, flashing neon sign over it saying 'pick me for instant success!' and yet when we feel we have no choice, we want the plethora of options to just beam across the sky in front of us like a rainbow. oh, we are but such ungrateful beings at times.

do we make wrong choices sometimes? not necessarily 'wrong' choices but rather i like to think of them as 'alternative' choices that are like little side alleys that lead us off from the main path we want to see ourselves following and with a little more thought and extra searching we can get ourselves back to that main path, but along the way we have seen and heard things we never expected, we might have learnt some new skills or made some new friends that we want in our lives and would never have met if we hadn't taken that alternative route. it's all about how you see it, what angle you take it from and how you choose to frame things. i mean, i am by nature a positive person, i try to see the best in everyone and everything. i try to look for the positive in every 'alternative' choice and come out of it knowing that i am a better person for it. it is a constant challenge to view it that way and often i trip up but without these challenges that life throws our way, there would be no opportunity to grow, love, laugh, cry, dance and sing. so with wild abandon i pick a handful of seaweed and look for the variety of life...

a little corner of heaven!

Thursday 2nd October 2008

so what do you do when a fabulous friend offers you the chance to stay at their amazing villa for your long weekend? say no, that you couldn't possible impose and put them out or instantly accept and take advantage of everything on offer from swimming pool to fully-equipped kitchen, outdoor bathroom to charming garden? if you're like me, then you take the latter option and on arrival praise the gods for the fact that you have dropped into a little corner of heaven. i mean three minutes walk to the beach and the sound of the waves constantly in your ears...what more could one ask for? i'm switching to auto-pilot for now and checking into heaven...over and out!

now you know...

Tuesday 23rd September 2008

so now you know...exactly what it was i went to kuta to get...huge thanks to wayan abuth - the tattoo artist from as-tattoo, for capturing exactly what i wanted so perfectly and daniel sato - the photographer for capturing my cheeky pirate side so perfectly!

a bit rough round the edges...

Monday 15th September 2008

it's strange the way i feel when i go to Kuta...i mean, Kuta is the Bali capital of 'sensory overloaded-ness'! when i go there, i lose track of conversations i'm having right in the midst of them, i forget where i'm going, i lose my way...it's incredible! it's like being put in a different country, world, whatever. so generally when i go it is with determined purpose. and it was so over the weekend...i went to get something that i have been wanting for a long time...something that signifies to me everything that i am and who i want to be and the way i want to live my life...with hair flapping wildly in the wind, at the helm of the ship, steering in the direction i wanna go, in search of adventure. for indeed underneath that calm, quiet exterior that you think might be me, there is a raging, stormy sea...twisting and turning, always moving, never still, that is the core of who i am.

'not all those who wander are lost' is a favourite quote of mine from J.R.R.Tolkien. why?...i'm so tired of the ridicule that one receives for not wanting to stay in one place, not wanting to have the car and condo and whatever else makes up the pre-requisites for the 'right' kind of life. i abhor belongings...i abhor a life cluttered with 'things' and 'items' that ultimately we will never bring with us. i have left a path of me across the planet, from the strands of my hair to the shoes i have worn, the books i have read to the clothes i have placed upon my back. as quickly as i receive something i can let it go...it terrifies me but yet pleases me that i am not held back by the very things that can often destroy you and prevent you from taking your life where you want it to go. i am probably happiest with a bag of necessities and a sense of adventure. and perhaps when the time is right, whenever that may be, i will drop the anchor, and make for shore...but that time is not now. for now, i'm all at sea...

so yes, i choose to wander but no, i am not lost. yes, i am a little rough around the edges, but that's what gives the texture to my very being. and now, the emblem for that i take with me wherever i go, forever emblazoned upon me. i am a child of the universe. i am me...

life from underwater...

Monday 1st September 2008

i was in kerobokan for a quick respite over the weekend, staying at a friends house and i must say that i do enjoy being in kerobokan...definitely much more than kuta. it seems quieter and less traffic of the human and vehicular sort. anyway, my friend had this amazing underwater camera pouch, that was basically like a very hi-tech ziploc bag that you slide your camera into. there's a special part that the lens can extend into and you ziploc it up and fold it over, then seal it with velcro. and the best part...it works like a dream. i just loved it and of course, with needing no excuse to be in the water, had many moments of fun experimenting with it. needless to say, some of the more embarrassing ones of yours truly looking like a frog, i saved you the trauma of having to look at, however, this one of the sky and trees...well, i just love it. it's all floaty and dreamy. just the way i feel when i'm in the water. if you haven't got one of these and like to be in the water you really ought to get your hands on one. hours of entertainment guaranteed!

the answer my friend...is blowing in the wind

Wednesday 20th August 2008

some days i feel like i have far too many questions. some days i feel like i need to know the answer to all those questions now or else it will drive me over the edge. i feel the impatience rise within me and strive to inhale with a deep breath and remember the importance of taking time, of exhaling slowly, counting to ten before acting. i know that i have always strived to work for the things that i believe in. i have always tried to hold fast to the things that i believe in and keep them in my sights and never lose sight of them. for if i lose sight of those things, those guiding principles, then i am not being true to who i am. and that for me, would be the worst thing i could do.

it's been a rough few days with much to think over...and i feel just like this windmill photographed on the beach at Sanur, as it whirrs around, being blown whichever way the wind decides to move it. i look ahead to striving for stability, for feeling like my feet are planted more firmly in the ground and that my life, at some point will be fully under my own control and not susceptible to the whims of others.